Friday, January 9, 2009

Terrifying "Bee-Search"

Why would anyone want to do that?

And honestly, "Cocaine makes bees excitable" : does that really rise to the level of news? It reminds me of what Goldgar says (relaying a quote from one of his now-deceased colleagues) about the social sciences:

It's like hacking through an open door.

This research is technically, I guess, "natural" science, but still, I'm waiting for the day when I can read a surprising headline: you know, something along the lines of:

-Cocaine bores bees
-Bees grow docile when humans run away
-The key to slowing the bee-population growth is...
-A good way to kill a bee is...

That's research I want to read.

Okay, I understand that we want to stop cocaine addiction. That is a public good. So, score one for the coked-up bees. But there's a counterbalancing consideration here: is there anything more frightening than a coked-up bee? I'm already afraid of bees, because I've never been stung, so I don't know if I'm allergic; and if I am, well, I don't have the antibody in my system, because I've never been stung, so it will be all the more damaging!

Invariably, at the most frightening times as a bee chases me, someone reminds me that "bees smell fear." Wow, is that true? Genius. Bees smell fear!

Quick, don't be afraid!

I wonder, if somewhere in a beehive somewhere, a Queen has some workers sending cocaine out to some humans beyond the hive to see how we react to it. Maybe there are Bee Research periodicals for them to share their observations about humankind and how it relates to the Bee kingdom.

You see, there are many reasonable reasons to fear bees--before the cocaine. Now? The contributions of bees to my fear are, to quote Michael Scott, "incalclacuble."

I also understand that bees are important for pollonation and honey purposes. Well, honey is probably the nastiest food on earth. I'm serious. I hate it, and can't stand feeling a counter where it's been spilled. And I heard a rumor that Nintendo Wii is coming out with an application that will replace pollonation and make it bee-free with the new bee-free Wii ag app for a small fee, where you're actually controlling a third-world person who farms for you. Then, with your avatar (or "Wii-Me") you move the crop across actual boats and into your supermarket. Now
that's late-stage capitalism: a world without bees.

Even now, I can't stop but think: maybe they smell my fear across the bee-blogosphere. Maybe an E-Bee will come across my Wi-fi to make me flee...

Wait, now I'm just being silly. Next door to my old apartment building, people kept bees. I did everything I could to move out of that place as soon as I could, because it was only a matter of time until they scored some coke and really got excitable.

Now, if you're one of those Bee-lovers who wants to defend the concept of an "eco-system" and talk about how honey is awesome, feel free to comment. Maybe your comment will make my post smell less like fear.

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